Me

Today

photo-1520871942340-42898ab9167fI’m hard on myself sometimes. I fail to see my worth some days. A few times, I’ve  found myself standing in the kitchen cooking dinner as negative thoughts spiraled  into a staircase of tears. I think of every little detail of the day or week and pick it apart.

My friend didn’t respond back to a text. That turns into, what did I say? What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t she like me anymore?

My child is being grumpy with me. That turns into, how have I failed him? Why didn’t I show her better emotional control?

Occasionally feeling distant from my husband turns into, I didn’t ask about his day. I’m not there for him enough. 

Finding pants that fit a little snug turns into, why didn’t I run today? I can never stick to a healthier lifestyle.

Today, as these thoughts rushed in like they always do.  Today I said, enough. I’m not going there. Not today. 

You know why?

Because I have lots of friends. Amazing, loving, caring friends and they love me. They love the mess out of me. They love me even though I’m hard on myself. Maybe that one that didn’t text back, maybe she’s got a lot going on. Maybe she’s in her kitchen with soggy eyes and can’t seem to find the strength to reply. Maybe she doesn’t love me for who I am. And that’s ok.

Because kids get grumpy. They have bad days too. They are allowed to express their feelings too. They still need guidance and won’t always get it right. They know I love them even when they’re grumpy. They know I love the mess out of them and I’ll be there through it all. And that’s ok. 

Because marriage is hard. It’s so hard and sometimes we need a little distance and sometimes we forget to check in. Sometimes we’ve had days that take every last bit from us and we have nothing left. I know we will try again tomorrow and get it right and talk all night. He knows I love him even when we’re distant. He knows I love the mess out of him. We’ll be just fine, we always are. And that’s ok.  

Because I try to be healthy and it’s hard and I work hard all the time. Then a kid gets sick and I get sick and the focus changes and two weeks pass without exercise and defeat sets in. I know I’ll get up tomorrow and put on those workout clothes. I’ll get back on and keep going. I know despite my weight not being where I want, I still love my body. I still love the mess out of it. I know I’ll keep fighting. And that’s ok. 

Not today. 

Today I won’t let those thoughts take over. Today I’ll remember how hard I work.  Today I’ll think of the good things I do. All the many good things I do. Today I’ll fight because I’m better than that. Today I’ll say no because I’m stronger than that. 

Today I’m me. And that’s ok. 

 

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