Me, Mommy

When I Close My Eyes

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When I close my eyes, I see us dancing. You, small and chunky and nuzzled safely in my arms. Swaying, just the two of us, all afternoon to the sound of my singing. Then I open them to find you showing me some new dance moves you learned from your friends. I see you, now so tall and thin and concentrating to get it just right. 

I see you and I soak it in. 

When I sit on the living room rug, I can still look down to see you chewing on crinkle toys and kicking your feet, toes curled and one sock missing. I see you scooting along the floor so proud of your funny, new transportation. I see me tickling you as your tired laughs turn into sleepy eyes exploring my face as you drift to sleep. Now, I sit on the rug and look up. I see you towering over me with long legs, so proud of how long you can stand on just one. Tickles, that now come from you and your eyes exploring my face as we talk about hard things. 

I see you and I soak it in. 

When I look at the kitchen, I can still see your highchair. You loved to sit up high and watch me cook. I see you trying hard to meet your mouth with chubby fingers as you tasted new foods. I can still hear your deep belly giggles with a yogurt covered mouth, back when you thought mommy was hilarious. Now you come running when dinner is ready. You tell me about your day and clean your dishes. You help me crack eggs to bake muffins. Now I see you, standing on a little white stool fixing yourself a snack, laughing about a funny experience from school. 

I see you and I soak it in. 

When I start the water for your shower each night, I look down at the bathtub. It was once filled with so many bubbles and toys and letters we stuck to the walls to spell your name. We laughed as I spiked your hair in silly ways and sang so many songs while you soaked me with splashes. Now I see you jump in the shower and soon emerge with messy wet hair as you tell of a new crush at school while putting on your jammies. 

I see you and I soak it in. 

I walk to the backyard and see first wobbly steps and tiny pools of water that once seemed so big. I see thousands of bubbles popped, spraying little drops of soap on the grass. I see bucket swings and playhouse ladders that you once thought were too scary to climb. Now I see you swinging by yourself, reaching the clouds and back. I see you taking the stairs two at a time to reach your secret hideaway. 

I see you and I soak it in. 

I pass by your dresser, the one I thought wouldn’t arrive in time. The one I fretted over while rubbing my round, growing belly. The one I thought had to be in place before you could come home from the hospital. The one that holds all your baby blankets and socks. I watch now as you open the top drawer and look in to retrieve a special tiara to complete your outfit. I see you run off to play, but I stand there a while longer. Just to breathe. 

I see you and I soak it in. 

Sometimes, as you are running down the hall so big and mature, yet so small and carefree, I can close my eyes and see you all grown up. I see the person you’re becoming. I peek into the future and see your graduation day, then a little further and you’re starting a family of your own. I quickly tuck those images away and soak in the now. 

I will gladly see you through all the years of your life. I will find joy through each stage. I will love you big every single day. I will soak in all the now moments because I know all too well…one day soon when I close my eyes, I’ll look back to this very moment with you…

 

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