Me, Mommy

Let’s Figure This Out Together

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Dear Firstborn, 

I failed a lot with you, I still do. I did a lot right too. I hope those good things, the ones I’m proud of, are the things that flood your mind when you think back to this time. This time of growing so fast I can’t hold on hard enough. This time of your baby smell and plump toddler cheeks and unsteady legs slipping further from my grasp each day. This time of exploration and learning about the world, even the things I tried hard to shield.  This time of finding out other people can hurt us worse than a bee sting. I hope through it all, you’ll think back and smile. 

I’m learning, so are you. Let’s figure this out together. 

I’m sorry we argue sometimes. I’m still figuring out how to be who you need through each of these rapidly changing stages. Just when we seem to get it all right, we suddenly start again at another level. Sometimes I don’t realize it quick enough. We both get frustrated. We both see you’re growing up. We both get a little sad about it, but know it’s what you need to do. We both hug it out with fierce longing for what was and anticipation for what is next. 

I’m learning, so are you. Let’s figure this out together. 

Maybe you didn’t touch enough dirt as a baby. Maybe I should have let you taste sugar sooner. Maybe I should have let you watch TV a little more. I did what I thought was best and I stand by it all, even letting you sleep in my bed. I know one day all too soon, you’ll want your space. In the meantime, I’ll watch your slow, rhythmic breathing. I’ll notice how your face changes just a little each day until one day I really see how much you’ve grown as hot tears roll to my pillow. I’ll still see that little baby pout in your lips and wonder what you’re dreaming. I’ll know this will be a glimpse of time I’ll miss so, so big. 

I’m learning, so are you. Let’s figure this out together. 

I’m sorry I yell sometimes. I vow each day to do better. Being a mom can be just as frustrating as being a kid. I want to hold you and explain why and speak in only kindness. I want to be your personal question answerer and never get tired. I want to be your mom without the stress and responsibility and guilt and worry that comes along with it. Those things can so easily creep into my tone and overshadow my intentions. Always know my love for you is bigger, so much bigger. 

I’m learning, so are you. Let’s figure this out together. 

When you climb in my lap for a hug or ask to hold my hand, I may hold on too tight, always fearing it may be the last.  When I stare a little too long or cling to the words of your excited, creative stories or as tears escape at the reality and rapidness of it all, always, always remember…

I’ll love you as we learn.  I’ll love you as we figure this out together. I’ll love you through each season…. and I’ll love you as we look back and smile. 

 

3 thoughts on “Let’s Figure This Out Together”

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