Sometimes I walk into a room full of people, yet feel completely alone. It’s like I’m completely invisible.
Do you ever feel this way?
I think we’ve all been there. Right? I also think nobody actually wants to admit or talk about it. Since my share filter is broken, I’m going there. I don’t feel this way all the time.
Sometimes I don’t quite fit in. No matter how much I want to, it just isn’t in the cards. Half-smiles and quick waves turn into huddled discussion rings. Rings I’m standing directly outside of.
Sometimes…most times…I’m not the girl who will bust my way into a conversation. I’m just not.
Sometimes friends I thought were friends pass by as if we’re strangers.
Sometimes I’m that mom in the middle of a mom group wishing for someone to talk to me.
Sometimes I’m in the group, yet everyone is looking and talking to everyone but me. I’m a fixture. Should I slowly back away before they start using me as an empty drink tray?
Sometimes I let these things get to me. I focus on what’s wrong with me. Is it my clothes? Do I look that uncool, that unappealing? Is my hair wrong? Am I boring? What’s the deal?
Sometimes I’m the only one that reaches out. I send the texts or they don’t happen. What would happen if I stopped too?
Sometimes, though not often, I have tears about it all.
Sometimes, it can be a lonely place to live.
Recently I decided to look at the whole thing with different focus. Maybe I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. Maybe I’m the icing and they prefer the cake. Maybe I’m a brownie without nuts, so they take a hard pass. (Sidenote- a brownie with nuts is just atrocious… but we’ll move on for now.)
Whatever it is, it’s ok. It’s ok because we don’t always like the same things in life and we should never change who we are just to “fit in”.
There are plenty of people who love icing and no nuts. There are plenty of people who love me just as I am. Why would I need anything more than that?
Yes, I know there are more pressing issues in life to focus on, but you know you’ve thought about it too.
You know, while we’re on this topic, I’ve often watched in awe at someone eating alone in a restaurant. I’m totally inspired by this. They’re confident enough with themselves to be their own company. I know there are so many scenarios around the reasons why, but the concept fascinates me.
I’ve been the girl carrying my plate to an empty table and then sitting and watching in complete horror as person after person walk past me. Each one passing by to fill up other tables. My throat began to tighten, as it does right before those pesky tears escape. I swallowed harder and harder forcing that sad bubble down.
Looking back, I ask myself… did you ask to sit with anyone? No. Did you invite anyone to sit with you? No. Did you look inviting? Or did you look like a scared deer trying to avoid a speeding car while swallowing a tear bubble? Probably number 2. I also ask, what did it matter? It didn’t. Could I have done more with that time than feel sorry for myself? Definitely.
Maybe it’s a self-defense mechanism, but I decided sometimes it has more to do with them than me. Where I may feel rejected, maybe they’re just sorting through a rough day, or week or life. Maybe she’s holding onto something from her past or could use a hug. Maybe she’s self-conscious in her clothes too. Maybe she’s feeling the exact same way. We never really know. Even the most confident people struggle sometimes.
I also made a new game plan. When I’m the one left out of the conversation or walked by like a statue covered in pigeon poop, I will pray for them. I’ll take those few moments typically spent self-dwelling and pray for them instead. I’m not being sarcastic here…I mean it. I also started making a point to seek out others in this situation and talk to them.
Guess what? That’s a way more productive place to be.
I guess what I’m saying here is, the next time you’re feeling a little unnoticed or unheard, embrace it. Know you’re not alone, we’ve all been there. Wear your Invisible Mom superhero cape proudly. Stand tall and fierce and know you’re awesome. Without brownie nuts and all.