Have you seen the movie Wall-E? The little robot that sneaks aboard a spaceship housing all the people who destroyed the Earth with their excessive trash and laziness. They literally float about the ship in chairs with a screen in front of their face and never physically interact with each other. It’s pretty sad actually. It’s also not that far away.
People are literally running into signs in sidewalks because they’re looking at their phone. They’re having wrecks, ignoring each other and their children. Don’t even get me started on selfie injuries. It’s a problem. While it’s terrible and sad, I’m choosing to focus on a lighter side. Apparently I like to divert my feelings to humor when dealing with hard topics, or something weird like that.
I know Facebook isn’t the only social media outlet. In fact, more and more people are either deleting it or only using other options. Since I’m an uncool mom barely able to function through an entire day, I’m choosing to just stick with what I know and not add any other complications or distractions to my life. Therefore, I’m going to talk about this ancient form of communication.
I’ve been a Facebook member for about 10 years. Along the way, I’ve discovered some typical types of social media users. I’ll explain a little detail about each. Maybe you’ll agree, maybe you’ll relate, maybe you’ll realize you’re a member of a group you didn’t know existed, maybe you’ll just think I’m weird. Hopefully whatever route you go down, you don’t take it too seriously.
No, I’m not speaking to anyone I know. No, I’m not just a bored housewife with way too much time on my hands. That’s definitely false! I actually discovered most of these things early on or have heard others talk about it. Like I said, just for fun, so take your undies, unwad them and keep reading.
This person is an on-screen only lover. They don’t just like every single post you make, they love it. They’re quick to respond to anything you share and it appears you’re the best friends on the planet, but it’s a romance just for show….
… because then you spot this person at the grocery or back to school shopping or the movies, and the flame has fizzled. It could literally be mere seconds since they gave 3 heart eyes emojis to your 3rd dog picture of the morning, but they will look directly at you and quickly turn away as if you’re a mannequin without clothes. (You want to look because you’re curious, but you don’t because you’re also a little afraid.) You walk directly toward them and they stand frozen looking in another direction. You can always feel their peripheral vision in overdrive, but there’s never eye contact.
Why do we act like this with each other? If we can heart each other on a screen, we can at minimum say hello in person. Right?
Then there’s the person who plays dumb. They read and memorize everything their friends share, yet while talking to them it’s as if they’re hearing it all for the first time.
They’re the quiet lookers, never reacting to anything just to appear like they have better things to do than scroll through Facebook. I bet my stash of chocolate hidden in the laundry room that they’re taking more than a quick peak every few days as they claim. At minimum they’re daily potty surfing.
How hard that must be to hear about things they already know. Like the frustrating person who retells the same story over and over. Just own your free time scrolling sin and move on with life already.
These are the passive aggressive picture posters. There’s usually one at every event. Taking pictures of unsuspecting victims while they’re taking giant bites of food or mid-dance move but looking more like they’re getting a Charley horse or capturing someone with super RBF and posting them, adding a tag just to finish the deal.
They either just click and post with disregard to anything else…or, my suspicion, they post the worst pictures on purpose being all passive aggressively innocent about it. With some of the most heinous pictures I’ve ever witnessed, that’s the only explanation. It just is.
Sure, some people may not care. That’s cool. Not everyone takes good pictures, I get that too. If you happen to take a picture at the exact moment great-aunt Tilly is picking her nose at the yearly family reunion BBQ, for the love of lotion tissues, don’t post it!
This person refuses to like anything you post unless you like theirs. It’s fun to watch this one in action. You’ll often discover they will suddenly like a post you shared 4 days ago immediately after you like their most recent post. Is it possible they stay in a holding wait mode just to watch and reciprocate a like? I imagine they keep a tally book close by just for good measure.
This person is rude, hates everything, makes crummy comments and doesn’t even acknowledge your existence in public. You wonder why they’re even your friend. Hopefully a cuddly kitten makes its way into their life and softens their heart, but until then this rude acquaintance quickly makes their way to your delete pile. Conversely, I guess you could also not delete them and hope to have a positive impact. Purely a personal decision. Also, choose positive impact because it’s the right choice.
This person takes Photoshop to a whole new level. They alter their pictures to such an extreme level they look plastic. When spotted in real-life it’s hard to recognize them in their natural state. Let’s just own and love our true beauty.
I mean, haven’t we cried into pints of Ben & Jerry’s enough while looking at heavily altered pictures in magazines? I vote we just end the madness.
I know there are many more, but I’ll stop here. Afterall, it’s been over 10 minutes so I should really get back to my socially awkward media browsing.