Marriage, Me, Mommy

Worried Pink

We were in the bathroom staring at two pink lines on the counter, both in complete shock. We just celebrated a first birthday and discussed trying for a sibling… in the future. The shock remained until our first doctor appointment.

The ultrasound tech moved her wand for too long. We’d been down this road before. With our first pregnancy, a heartbeat was never found. (I still wonder to this day what he or she would have been like.) They scheduled another appointment thinking it was too early. We left with heavy hearts.

We came back the next week. It was my husband’s birthday. That was a mistake. We left yet again in tears not hearing that miraculous sound. Not a fun birthday. I knew we were going through another loss, but he still had hope. Finally, a few days later there it was. A strong, healthy heartbeat. That was our first clue this child was going to keep us on our toes!

This time around being pregnant was so much different. I wasn’t as nervous about every little thing. I was still breastfeeding, so looking back it was strange to have a baby eating inside and outside at the same time. The 20 week appointment came so fast.

My main concern was the baby’s health. I also knew we would find out the gender. I knew from early on it was a girl. That thought just sat on my brain like a big, pink elephant. Yet I ignored it. I kept telling myself it was a boy. I could handle boy stuff. I was meant to be a boy mom. Right?

Here’s the thing, the thought of having a girl terrified me.

First, I’m not what you’d call girly. Yeah, I know, not all girls are “girly”. This worried me though because I don’t know about clothes or makeup or hair or nails. I don’t know and I don’t care. I really don’t. I care just enough to get by. Those things never peaked my interest. I didn’t wear actual makeup until college. I couldn’t put an outfit or hairstyle together if you forced me. It’s just not me. What if I had a girl who wanted me to be that mom?

Then I would see magazine pictures (and other moms I know) with matching mom/ daughter outfits. Nope, not happening here. I overheard some moms discussing bow sizes and expensive brands of girl clothes. I’m thinking, show me the bargain bins, she’ll just poop or spit up on it anyway!

It goes way beyond all that though. I know being a girl is hard in many ways and I worried over that too. The school drama, boys, future wedding, having children and a million other hard things in between. I know because I’d been there and I needed to prepare her for this wonderfully beautiful, and many times difficult role. Could I?

All this was flooding my mind while the ultrasound tech was confirming everything looked fine. (Thankful.) The reveal was coming, that pink elephant had to be wrong, right? Then she said it, “congrats you guys, you’re having a girl!” Yikes. I mean awesome!

The shock continued for a few days, although I acted ecstatic. I was actually nervous. Could I do this? Would I permanently damage this poor girl with my lack of being a girl knowledge? Would I be a good enough example of a strong, loving, caring, gentle, intelligent woman? I worried, but I really shouldn’t have.

The crazy day she arrived (which is a whole other post) I knew it was going to be ok. I took one look at that gorgeous little face and suddenly I felt at ease and completely in love.

She needs me, just as I am,
and I need her, just as she is.

She’s her own little person and she’s pretty amazing. Now that she’s older, she actually picks out her own outfits and tells me how she wants her hair fixed. She puts on jewelry and tiaras and is the most elegant princess in all the land. She can also get muddy and throw a softball with enough force to scare you a little. I can’t help but giggle to think of how different she is than me, all on her own.

I will love her no matter how she acts or what she wears and she loves mommy just the same. I’m still in awe that I can say she’s my daughter.

I can’t wait to continue this journey with this girl I was once so worried to meet. She’s taught me way more about life than I ever dreamed of. She’s also taught me to love pink and hug harder and twirl often and sing louder. She often tells me I’m beautiful (even when I don’t think so) and that I’m her princess. It makes me smile every time.

Looking back, all those things were silly to worry about. I just pray that I’m able to guide her in the right directions and be a strong, positive example.

Now I must go. Afterall, one can’t be late for fancy tea and sprinkle cookies.

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