I had a more useful and uplifting post in mind today, but something screamed at me to get this out. No, the stinky parts are not directed at anyone I know.
I’ve been a SAHM for a few years now. In case you don’t know, that means Stay At Home Mom. (Just sharing, because when I first saw that acronym, I wondered what in the world a “SAY-HIM” was.)
While spending many days at home, I’ve discovered a few things about myself. For one, I need a morning shower. Every day. I’ve read about and seen these moms who just wake up, get dressed and start the day. That is not even a maybe option for me. I’ve tried it. Of course, on those days someone always stopped by unannounced and then looked at me like I had a sick parrot perched on my shoulder. That look of confusion and pity. Yeah, yeah I look like a tired pickle. Let’s move on.
1. The hair issue.
It doesn’t matter if I sleep 2 hours or 10, my hair is a mix between half 80s rock band and half freshly hatched baby chicken, all gross and stuck to my head. After a good combing, it goes to all baby chick style. I’ve tried the dry shampoo, it smelled better but it didn’t begin to fix the yolk effect. I don’t know what occurs with my scalp while I’m visiting dreamland, but apparently I make a pit stop to top off the oil along the way.
2. I’m not awake.
I need coffee every morning. This hasn’t always been the case. I even gave up caffeine for years while I was pregnant and breastfeeding. Now, I stumble run to the Keurig, slap at the buttons until I hear it gurgling, stand sleep against the fridge until it’s done and finally scald my tongue twice just to expedite the intake. Most days, that’s still not enough. I need the shower to truly and fully wake up.
3. I stink.
I don’t like to stink. It messes with the whole self-confidence issue and all. The just out of bed stink is the worst. I can detect it from down the street. I can be shopping at Target, pass by someone and know they skipped their shower. I smile at them anyway, they might need some extra love, stinky and all. I know this no shower detection ability sounds like a real gift, but it’s not. I vividly remember as a child saying the words, I smell dirty hair. Apologies if I ever hurt anyone’s feelings.
I have been around several moms who claim they didn’t have time to shower, yet they didn’t stink. I think they’re lying. Ok, I just want to believe they’re lying. You know, trying to appear like a beautiful flower just emerging from a sound sleep. I imagine the morning went more like– was up 6 times with a screaming kid, 4 cups of coffee, a 3 minute scrub and rinse and 45 minute grooming ritual. Maybe not. Maybe they really do have some secret that should be shared. If you’re this mom, for the love of bubble baths, please spill how you keep the funk at bay already so the rest of us can sleep in.
4. The makeup mystery.
Along with not stinking, these same moms can walk right out of the house with no makeup. Zero. And they’re still gorgeous. This one makes me a bit miffed and envious. Yes, I’m happy you could sleep in, still smell like a rose, and not spend your morning trying to paint on an acceptable face. Really, I am. I’m still going to quietly grumble at you when you’re not looking.
See, I don’t wear much makeup, but without any at all, I’ve actually scared myself. One morning I caught a glimpse of a tomato ghost. If you’re not aware of this particular beast, it has bright red cheeks, a pale ghostly face and black, saggy eyes. Thankfully, someone invented this makeup miracle so no one else has to endure such terror.
Now you know. Not everyone can walk out the door straight from the sheets. We should all take a minute to be grateful for a clean, easily accessible water supply.
–I do understand some can’t or don’t bathe for various reasons. I’m not picking on anyone, just being silly. I love all God’s creatures. Big or small, stinky and all!